This evening is traditionally the black Wednesday of the fringe...the punters aren't out in force so just sitting around is a good way to come by some free tickets. Having already stumbled upon the secret pass word for Miss Behaves Quiz show I was chuffed to be given a ticket for Mark Nelson's Older than Jesus. In the toilets, I gave said ticket to my cousin and I did the old Jedi mind trick upon entry to the gig by doing the old nonchalant walk of I just went out for a piss, worked a treat.
Toilets are our first subject matter as Mark informs us that the turn styles at Waverley station will be making more money than him this fringe, I am struck by an immediate guilt beamer for sneaking in so I'm glad its dark. The shows not even expensive at three quid but I have less than that....To return the favor I offer this nugget of info. I'm aware from my recent acquisition of the police box at the West End behind Saint John,s that the toilets there are free. Not because there meant to be but because the turn style is broken. According to my source at the w.c.'s this is because all the big bosses for the toilets are currently fighting a couple of dungaree wearing plumbers on the Costa del Sol having followed a network of sewers deep under ground in pursuit of a giant stoned turtle fucking rat named Splinter.
Being as how I had been sacked, not that I'm going to go on about it, I had no pen so decided I'd need to video the show instead. Annoying on two levels, the first being that said video contains only the sound of my both loud and hysterical laughter. The second, my camera ran out of memory space. All I could get my hands on was a Handy Andy and a biro...not a good combination. The only legible writing I have says 'grand father clock baws smell em off the paper' so I'll cherish that forever, cheers Mark. I also have this picture (left) in my phone, I'm not sure what it means.The heckels begin sharpish and its obvious that weve got a few candidates for A.A. sponsorship in the crowd. 'Your no older than Jesus, Your older than me. I'm older than Jesus!' clearly this crowd knows their facts. Yes, white Jesus was 33 when he died. Mark makes a mockery of his Sunday school led belief system claiming his parents dragged him there so that they could enjoy their hangovers in peace, after all this is what Sundays a traditionally known for. My cousin and I both initially get the judders as although were no bible bashers we have long ancestry of ministers in our blood so, although not church goers, we have a certain genetic curve ball towards spirituality. This shows really not about that though its more about how Mark observes these things personally than about how everyone else should feel about it. He reserves taking the piss out on people on a personal level for his two year old daughter, hecklers in the crowd and a young man with a beard. Seems fair. It is outrageous, sick and very VERY funny. He includes clever and useful information like if you want to get down the high street in a hurry then hold out a poster of the story of Jesus in front of you, guaranteed to clear the deck! Handy for occasions like being late for an appointment at the councils customer hub because your housing benefit has been stopped or your in a pure rage because of the 50th parking ticket you've been given.
'This show is not about that' (to quote Mark) though. I, myself have spent the my life convincing myself that even a belief in nothing is also a faith, and like the man says faith in Christianity is just a bit more grey than some of its counterparts, Hinduism, Buddhism, aliens and unicorns. You get a real sense of irritation in the way that Nelson, and this country as a whole, was conned by the pedophiles and rightly so. Why should anyone believe any story that was told just so that some man could stick his cock in you. There is no tooth fairy, there is no Santa, there fore there must be no God and if there is one its more than likely that its a man in a disguise with his member out. This is the way thousands of people all over Scotland and the world feel so its as well that this lads up there telling it like how it is. Those pedophiles didn't really think it through, it was just a matter of time before all those kids who were abused grew up and wanted a world they knew their kids wouldn't get the same in. We have things called comedians, like Mark, and the social media to thank for that.
We had to make a dash for it to get to Miss Behaves show so unfortunately made a break for it. I did this stupid curtsey/ bow thing at the door as I preempted some kind of slagging for leaving early, the slagging never came but I'd already done it, it was a knee jerk response to an imagined hammer!
Go and see Mark for some both wrong and hearty, down to earth Scottish comedy. Its a social narrative into how most of the Scots with their coupons screwed on right feel about things. Terrible things have happened but young peoples lives no longer continue to be destroyed by them like they did. For once I left somewhere knowing that I didn't need to watch T.V. or one single solitary film to understand this show and this is a rare thing to come by at the Fringe. He'll also not take the piss out of you unless you ask for it....or have a beard and lets face facts, beards deserve it!
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| Mark Nelson picture Credit Christine Morgan |
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